Black Orchid
by Madison Ashlee
Summary: After a bad break up and a suicide attempt, a troubled Edward is forced to move back home with his adoptive parents. Can anyone save Edward from himself? OOC AU/AH. E/J slash. Rated M for dark themes and language.
1. Wish I Felt Nothing

_A/N: Originally this was going to be a Bella/Jasper story. But I've been inspired to write a slash story after reading A Tangible Dichotomy by PerfectlyPersuasive and Lessons Learned by mistyhaze420. _

_The story deals with substance abuse, depression and suicide. If any of these things bother you, please don't read. _

* * *

_Say when you're alone_

_It's better 'cause nobody knows you_

_When no one's your friend_

_It's better 'cause nobody leaves you_

_So you turned your back _

_On a world that you could never have_

_'Cause your heart's been cracked_

_And everyone else's is goin' mad_

_But I hear voices_

_And I see colors_

_But I wish I felt nothing_

_Then it might be easy for me_

Like it is for you

_-I Wish I Felt Nothing by The Wallflowers-_

Edward watched her as she walked away. He wanted to call to her, to make her stay. But he knew Tanya well. Once she made a decision she stuck with it. It didn't matter how much begging and pleading he did, and he'd done a lot, she wouldn't change her mind. She wouldn't be coming back no matter how much of a life they'd built together, how Edward's world revolved around her. Tanya was gone.

And it hurt. Slowly he made his way to the shower. He turned on the water and stood waiting for it to heart up. He didn't think it was possible for him to feel more broken then he already was. But apparently it was. He stared at the water streaming from the showerhead and wished he could cry. Maybe it would ease some of the hurt. But he hadn't been able to cry for years. Since long before Carlisle and Esme had adopted him. The only thing he felt was pain and emptiness until Tanya came along 4 years ago. She'd made him feel something. A good something. She made him feel like maybe he could finally put his past behind him.

But he should have known better. He was never good enough for Tanya. She could never love him because he just wasn't worth loving. It had taken her awhile to figure that out. But she had. He'd been waiting since the moment they met. But somehow it didn't make now any less painful.

Edward stepped under the steady stream of water, hoping it would release some of the tension in his neck and shoulders. Of course it didn't. It never did.

He closed his eyes as the water poured over him. With Tanya he felt like maybe, just maybe he was worth something to somebody. But he'd been wrong again. He was worthless. Just a nobody who didn't deserve to live and didn't deserve to be loved. So many times he'd thought about ending it all. He'd tried a few times and almost been successful once. But for whatever reason Carlisle and Esme were always there fighting for him to pull through.

Edward didn't quite understand why his adoptive parents hung onto him. Didn't they know their life would be so much easier without him around? That was why he talked Tanya into moving to Chicago with him. So that Esme and Carlisle could have their lives back. They were such good people, such nice people. They didn't deserve the burden he had placed on them.

At first they'd been unwillingly to let him go. But eventually he'd convinced them it would be best for them, for him.

He and Tanya had lasted exactly six months in Chicago. And now he was alone. He guessed that that was how he was supposed to be. He didn't warrant the kindness, the love of others. He just wasn't worth the effort.

Edward didn't know how long he stood in the shower, how long the water had been coming out icy cold. Nor did he care. He didn't have the strength or the energy to care.

Finally he turned off the shower and got out. He dried off and pulled his towel around his waist. He walked past the bedroom he and Tanya shared and went to the living room. It really wasn't much better. Everywhere in this apartment reminded him of what had been. He knew he'd have to get out of there soon. He couldn't stay. It hurt too

much to be reminded of his perfect Tanya. To be reminded that she had never loved him, that she never could.

He laid down on the couch and squeezed his eyes shut. Even though he had been expecting this moment, it still blind-sided him. Edward had thought things were going considerably well. That they had been pretty happy. He thought he was getting better. He'd have an occasional bad day, but most days he was able to stay in control of himself.

Today had been a relatively good day. He'd woken up and the pain was there, but it felt…not less, but further in the background. He'd reached into his bedside table drawer and pulled out the bottle of xanax that he kept hidden there. He opened them and then closed the bottle again, deciding he was going to try and make it through the day without them.

Tanya had seemed quiet at breakfast. Looking back he should have sensed something was wrong. But he hadn't. She said goodbye and left for work leaving Edward alone in their apartment. He didn't have a job right now, he wasn't really able to keep one. But he didn't really need one either. Esme and Carlisle kept his bank account full.

He went for a job and then came home to take a nap. It must have been a long nap because Edward woke up to see Tanya staring at him from across the room.

"Hey, baby," he greeted her, stretching. The look on her face scared him and made him wish that he had taken the pills that morning.

"I can't do this anymore, Edward."

He swallowed hard and then asked "Do what, baby?" trying his best to keep his voice casual.

"This!" she nearly shouted at him. "I can't stay here and pretend everything is alright. Everything is not all right. I love you, Edward, but you are not okay. And it's bringing me down. I can't stay here. I need to leave to save my sanity."

Edward heard "I can't stay here and pretend I love you, Edward. You are not okay. It's bringing me down. I can't stay here. I need to save my sanity."

That's when he began the begging. He begged and pleaded with her for the better part of an hour. He told her how much he needed her and that he didn't know if he'd be able to go on without her. But there was no changing her mind. And she left, giving him one last kiss on the forehead.

Now Edward laid on the couch wishing he'd taken every single one of those damn pills when he woke up. Then he would fell all right. He would feel nothing. He wished he felt nothing.

Those damn pills were calling to him now, like a siren. And at this point he didn't even bother resisting. He got up from the couch and went to his bedroom. He opened the bedside table and pulled out the bottle. He opened it and quickly poured the contents into his hand. There were about 30 xanax there.

He lifted his hand to his mouth and began swallowing pills. When he'd taken every pill he washed it down with half a bottle of whiskey and then he laid back on the bed and took a look around the room. Hopefully this would be the last time he'd ever have to see this room. Hopefully he would never have to feel again.

He closed his eyes and began to drift into unconsciousness.

* * *

_A/N: Okay, so tell me if its worth continuing._


	2. Animal I Have Become

_I can't escape this hell_

_So many times i've tried_

_But i'm still caged inside_

_Somebody get me through this nightmare_

_I can't control myself_

_So what if you can see the darkest side of me?_

_No one will ever change this animal I have become_

_-Animal I Have Become – 3Days Grace_

Edward wondered if this was hell. His mouth felt like it was stuffed with cotton and he was slightly uncomfortable. He'd always imagined hell would feel worse. He'd thought he would feel worse. He'd thought he would feel like he was burning or something. Wasn't hell supposed to be hot? He was freezing.

Curious he slowly opened his eyes and he was greeted by blinding light. Stark white walls and too much steel.

Fuck. He was in a hospital. He couldn't even kill himself right. Slowly he looked around and wondered how he got here. Had Tanya come back for him? He didn't have any friends so she was the only one who could have found him. He looked around and saw Esme staring at him.

Her face was sad and relieved at the same time. And there was a flicker of disappointment on her face. Was she disappointed because he'd lived? Because she'd have to deal with her defective son? Him too. He bet Esme and Carlisle wished they'd never bothered to adopt him. He bet they never thought he was this screwed up.

He looked away. He couldn't look at the disappointment on her face. He was ashamed. He wished he could be everything she'd ever hoped for in a son. But he was a failure.

Carlisle came into the room. "You're awake," he said.

Esme had gotten up from her chair and now Edward had one parent on each side of his bed.

"You're coming back to Forks with us, Edward," Carlisle told him, his voice low and soft, non-threatening. Edward knew the voice well. Carlisle used it on him often.

Edward shook his head. He wasn't going.

"Edward," Esme's voice was tentative, shaky, "your father has arranged for you to come home with us, rather than staying in a…hospital." Her voice stumbled over the word hospital.

So his choices were go back to making these beautiful people miserable or going to a nut house. He was selfish. He knew he would be going home with Carlisle and Esme. At least they didn't make him feel like he was crazy.

He wasn't crazy. Just fucked up. Esme reached out and squeezed his hand. He looked up in time to see her quickly wiping tears from her eyes. And Edward hated himself for hurting her.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled. His voice came out rough from not having been used in awhile and also from likely having a tube shoved down his throat when they'd pumped his stomach. He was sure that they had.

"Edward," Carlisle said, "drugs and alcohol are never the answer." He sounded like an after school special.

"How did you know?" Edward asked ignoring him. He had to know how he'd been found.

"When Tanya left she called the police and asked them to check on you. And then she called us to let us know what had happened."

"She's gone," was all Edward could say. The little bit of hope he'd been holding onto since he woke up was gone. She hadn't come back.

"She cares a lot about you, sweetie," Esme said. "But you're sick and you need help. She knew that."

Edward closed his eyes and wished he weren't such a chicken shit. He wished he was able to do something that wouldn't fail. If he had had a gun and shot himself they would have all been too late. But he'd never been able to bring himself to cause that kind of physical harm. He'd experimented with cutting when he was in high school, but it was such a temporary release that he didn't bother with it for long. Plus it was a physical reminder that he wasn't normal. And sometimes he just wanted to pretend he was.

---------

They kept Edward in the hospital a few more days before they released him to Carlisle and Esme. And then the three of them were off to Forks, Washington. Edward dreaded going back there.

It was a small town. People talked too much. They all regarded him as a weirdo. The kids in high school had pretty much isolated him. Not something he did much to help.

Only one person had ever bothered to be nice to him besides Tanya. That was Bella Swan. And he done his share of trying to discourage her, but she was pretty persistent.

They were lab partners in bio and sometimes she would come sit with him at lunch and try to talk to him. They weren't really friends, but it was nice to pretend. Sometimes it made things seem better.

But he was sure Bella had escaped Forks after graduation, much like he'd tried. And he knew Esme and Carlisle would be watching him like a hawk anyway. At least until he could convince them he was alright.

-------

Carlisle's Mercedes pulled into the driveway and Edward sighed. Why couldn't he be normal and just appreciate what his circumstances had offered him.

If he wasn't so haunted by the past, if he could just leave it behind, he could appreciate the things Carlisle and Esme had provided for him. They gave him a roof over his head, food, money, clothes, a car, unconditional love he didn't deserve. He was grateful to them. They had rescued him from foster care when he was eleven. But by that time too much damage had been done.

Edward never understood why they picked him. They knew his story. He was older. With the money the Cullens had they could adopt any kid in the world. But they picked him. And he just didn't get it. He was sure that they wished they hadn't though.

"Welcome home, baby," Esme said warmly, a genuine smile on her face. She took Edward's face in her hands and kissed his forehead and then each of his cheeks and his nose. Then she enveloped him in a warm hug.

"Mom…" Edward said.

"You hush up," she told him. "I've missed you and I just want to hold my baby until I make all the hurt go away.

Edward wished that was possible. He wished it were that easy. But he didn't pull away because it did feel nice to he held.

They stood that way for several minutes before Esme pulled away and looked into her son's eyes. "Please don't scare me like that again, Edward," her voice was pleading and there were tears in her eyes. "I don't know what I'd do if I lost you."

Edward couldn't look at her. He felt guilty. How could he cause her so much pain? What kind of person was he? Well, he knew the answer to those questions. He was a bad person. How he wished he was able to be what she wanted.

"I'm sorry Mom," he said still looking down.

"I know you don't see how special you are, Edward. But I wish you could. I wish you knew what a sweet, beautiful, wonderful person you are. And I wish you knew how much you mean to be me and your father," she whispered to him. And then she let him go. "I'm going to go make dinner. I bet you're starving. Go get changed and get comfortable, my beautiful boy."

Edward swallowed hard. He felt the tears in his eyes, but they refused to fall. He clenched his jaw and then headed upstairs to his bedroom.

He sat down at the piano in the corner of his room. He ran his fingers over the keys. A gift from Carlisle when he'd expressed interest in learning to play the one in the living room. And lesson too. Edward was a natural. But somehow, even when he played a happy song, it all sounded sad.

There was a knock at his door. "Come in," he called.

Carlisle opened the door and then closed it behind him. "Can we talk?"

"Sure," Edward shrugged.

"Son," Carlisle began.

Edward inwardly cringed. How could they still think of him that way after all he'd put them through.

"You know you're going to have to go to counseling again," Carlisle continued and Edward nodded. He did know. He also knew it never helped.

"Your mother and I want to help you, Edward. We're doing everything we can. But we need your help." His voice was desperate.

Edward nodded again. Carlisle crossed the room and pulled Edward into his arms, stroking his hair.

It shocked Edward. Carlisle wasn't by any means distant or unemotional but usually he was much more calm and collected. Edward felt the urgency in his embrace and realized how close he must have been to actually succeeding this time. He looked up to see tears spilling down Carlisle's cheeks.

It was almost too much to take. Esme was one thing. She was always overly emotional when it came to him. But Edward had never seen Carlisle cry before. Ever.

"If Tanya hadn't thought to have tem check on you," Carlisle whispered pulling him closer. "You know how much we love you, right?"

"Yeah," Edward's voice came out broken. "I'm sorry, Carlisle."

"Edward, don't apologize to me," he said. "I know that nothing's going to help you unless you want help. Nothing I can say, nothing your mother says is going to help you unless you believe you are worth something in here," he pointed to Edward's head. "And in her," he pointed to Edward's heart. "We don't want you to fake it anymore. We want you to get better. But only you can make that happen. And we'll always be here by your side, doing what we can. Promise me you'll try."

Edward nodded. He wanted to make them happy.

Carlisle kissed his hair and then let him go. He crossed the room and looked back at Edward and then up at the ceiling and whispered, "Please let him mean it this time."

Edward stared after Carlisle for a while. He'd been close. If only he'd been successful. Sure they would have been sad for a while, but they would have gotten over it. He hated what he was doing to them. He hated himself for it.

He knew he could never believe he was actually worth something because he just wasn't. He'd known that truth since as long as he could remember. He'd just have to get better at pretending. That way Carlisle and Esme could be happy. And then he could figure out what to do abut himself.

He reached into his bag and pulled out a bottle of vicodin. He took three and then went to his bed to wait until Esme called him for dinner.


	3. The Future Holds A Lion's Heart

_When I first escaped the city of York_

_and leapt out of this cage._

_No silicon chip could sublimate_

_or tame this temptuous rage._

_When my heart was in the attic _

_like The Picture of Dorian Gray._

_I was rescued by the enemy_

_That dare not speak its name._

_Say hello to your future._

_I'm just pleased to meet you._

_You were a million miles away. _

_Say hello to your lion's heart._

_Queen Victoria's England_

_Will never ever be the same._

-The Future Holds a Lion's Heart by- Darren Hayes-

Jasper squeezed his eyes shut as his plane landed. It had only been a little over a year since he'd left Forks for New York, but it felt like decades. He'd discovered so much about himself that he was positive would have been undiscovered in the tiny hole in the wall town.

Jasper had discovered he was gay. At first the thought had scared him. He tried over and over to convince himself otherwise. That is was a phase or something. That had been when he met Peter.

Peter had showed him that it was okay to be gay, that there was nothing wrong with the way he felt. And slowly Peter helped Jasper to accept himself and to accept his feelings. Jasper wasn't sure where he'd be without Peter. He was glad to have a friend like him.

As Jasper stepped out of the plane he realized he didn't even know the Jasper he had been year ago when he'd left home. He'd been so young, so naive, so… trapped. And he was so glad to be out of Forks. The only reason he was going back now was because of Bella, his little sister.

Okay, technically she was his little stepsister, but he and Bella had always been close. Closer than he was with either his real sister Rosalie or their half-sister Alice. And Bella had been begging him to come visit for months. She said she missed him something fierce. And truth be told, he missed her too.

Jasper had tried to talk her into coming to New York, the way she had planned after graduation. But Bella had become insistent that she couldn't leave Charlie and Alice. They needed her too much. Especially since she'd been the one taking care of them since Jasper's mother had died five years ago. Bella told him that their father and Alice would starve to death if she weren't there.

It wasn't true, but it was probably pretty close. Jasper knew the two of them were pretty helpless. Bella was so stubborn when she had her mind set on something. He figured it was probably fear of the unknown, of leaving everything she'd ever known, but Jasper gave up trying to convince her. And so he decided to come home and visit. Even if he didn't miss Forks, he missed his family.

And despite that fact and the fact that he loved them and he knew they loved him, he couldn't bring himself to tell them his secret. Even Bella. Because he had already lost his mother and he'd be damned if he was going to lose her and the rest of his family over this.

And it was with that thought that he got into his rental car and began the drive towards his hometown, a town he no longer belonged too. It was a town he was no longer a part of and a town he couldn't wait to leave.

*****

Edward opened his eyes and looked around the room. It had been nearly a month since he'd been home. He'd spent most of the time in his bedroom. Being back home reminded him of how fucked up he really was. And besides that he couldn't stand the way Esme and Carlisle looked at him. He couldn't quite describe it. It was pity mixed with something he couldn't put his finger on. But still, he couldn't stand it.

Today, though, was one of his good days. He still had those occasionally. Days when he wasn't quite so angry, when it didn't hurt so much to be alive, when he didn't long to draw his last breath.

Edward rubbed his eyes and sat up. The sun was actually shining and that felt like maybe it was a sign. Strange as it was, on days like these it was easy to believe that he could get passed the dark days. He was foolishly optimistic on days like these.

He got out of bed and headed for the shower. Edward decided today he was going to do his best to be normal. Today he was going to go for a jog.

After he dressed, Edward headed down to the kitchen humming a song he'd heard somewhere. Esme, who was there, tried poorly to hide the shock in her face at seeing Edward showered and dressed. He couldn't blame her; it wasn't a common sight, especially not the last month.

"Edward, honey, it's good to see you up and about," she said barley containing her excitement.

"Yeah, well," was Edward's reply as he headed for the patio door. Remarks like that would not help him pretend everything was normal.

"Where are you going?" Esme asked, a hint of concern in her voice.

\ "I'm going for a jog. I'll be home later."

"Okay. Have fun. Be careful," she called after him.

Fun? Edward tried to remember a time in his life when that word had meaning. He couldn't. He couldn't recall one single time in his life that he had had fun. Edward gritted his teeth and shook his head. He wasn't going to think about that now. If he did he'd end up turning around and heading straight back to his room. He didn't want to do that now. It was nice to have a break from the darkness and he wanted to enjoy it. So he headed off jogging with no destination.

****

"Jasper, you've been so quiet since you've been home. You need to talk about something?" Bella asked.

That was one thing about Bella, she was extremely perceptive. When he had something to hide he always preferred the company of his other sisters. They were far more self-absorbed. They usually didn't notice when something was weighing on him. But Bella always did.

He glanced at her and shook his head. "Nah. It's just weird being here."

"What do you mean?" Bella asked pulling at the blades of grass by her feet. The two of them were sitting on the front porch enjoying the rare Forks sunshine.

"Come on, Bella. You of all people should understand. Remember how we used to dream of escaping this town together?"

"I do," Bella replied, "But I also know that sometimes things change. And sometimes some of us aren't lucky enough to get out."

Jasper was quiet for a minute, taking in her words. And then he said, "You could come back to New York with me, Bells. Charlie will survive. Alice will be fine. She's 16, almost grown."

"Jasper," Bella cut him off, "it's something else. Something more that just being back here. There's something different about you."

Jasper's inner panic alarm went off. Why did she have to be so damned observant. "Bella, I…" he started. But another voice interrupted, a voice calling Bella's name.

"Bella Swan!" the voice called.

Both Bella and Jasper looked up to see Edward Cullen jogging toward them. And Jasper had never been so glad to see someone he hardly knew.

"Edward Cullen," Bella said standing and cutting across the lawn.

Jasper saw the blush on Bella's cheeks and then he remembered Edward was Bella's high school crush. And when he actually looked at Edward it was easy to see why. The kid was absolutely gorgeous. Jasper had to look down so as not to stare.

Edward had been jogging aimlessly when he saw Bella sitting on her front porch. Before he realized what he was doing he was calling her name. He'd actually been surprised to see her. He thought she'd had plans to go to New York where her brother Jasper was staying. But he quickly realized that Jasper was there too and that he kept looking at him funny.

Edward came to a stop in the street right in front of the Swan residence. "Hey," he said a little breathless.

"Hey," Bella said, breathless for an entirely different reason.

Jasper was still looking down. He was pretending to look at the ground, but in reality he was studying Edward's calves. They looked so strong and lean. And Jasper had to close his eyes to keep them from traveling further up.

"I thought you'd be in New York by now," Edward said glancing at Jasper who was staring at his legs.

"Um, yeah. I never went," Bella said grimacing slightly as Jasper snorted. "I thought you and Tanya moved to Chicago."

Jasper's head flew up at the mention of Tanya. He remembered her. She was gorgeous and the only one Edward had ever let close to him. And then he mentally cursed himself for being so obvious. What the fuck was wrong with him? He was being an idiot. What did it matter that Edward was still with Tanya? And if he didn't stop acting like this Bella would surely figure out his secret.

Edward gave Jasper a strange look before answering Bella. "Tanya and I…" he swallowed, "broke up." This was not a topic he wanted to talk about. He could feel his good mood slipping away quickly. He desperately tried to grab for it, but he knew it was too late. It was gone. "I moved back about a month ago," he told them looking up and catching Jasper's eye.

Both Bella and Jasper heard the change in his voice. Bella wanted to kick herself for bringing it up.

Jasper couldn't help but look into Edward's eyes and see the sadness the emerald green. It was heartbreaking the pain that was in them. Jasper couldn't even fathom the depth of that pain.

"But it's good to see you again," Edward said breaking eye contact with Jasper and trying to push through.

"Yeah, its good to see you too," Bella said giving him a small smile.

Then the three of them stood awkwardly for a moment before Jasper said, "Bella, maybe Edward would like to join us for a movie in Seattle. My treat." He didn't know what had made him say it, but it felt right.

"Oh. That would be fun. How about it, Edward?" Bella asked biting her lip and looking up at Edward through her lashes with big brown, pleading eyes.

"I don't know," Edward said.

"Come on, Edward, it'll be fun," Jasper pleaded.

Edward looked at him. Something about the way he said it made Edward want to agree. Edward wanted to make him happy. Which was weird. So he convinced himself he was going to say yes because of Esme. Thoughts of her in the kitchen this morning and how happy she had been about him just going for a jog infiltrated his brain. He could just imagine how delirious she'd be if he told her he was going to Seattle for a movie night with… friends. A fun experience he'd never had before.

"Yeah, okay," he said finally, quietly. "That sounds like… fun."

"So, tonight. We'll pick you up at six," Jasper told him.

"Um… okay," Edward looked at Jasper who had a big goofy grin on his face. Then he looked at Bella whose face mirrored Jasper's exactly. "See you at six," he said waving and jogging in the direction he came.

Edward knew Bella's brother had been staring at him, but he didn't know why. At first he thought it was the typical staring he usually received when he was out around town. People knew his past, or at least they knew he'd tried to kill himself several times and they almost always stared at him. Or avoided eye contact with him like he was contagious.

But the longer Edward stood there the more he realized it was a different kind of stare. Maybe it was a protective big brother stare. Edward didn't know, but surprisingly it didn't make him feel uncomfortable. It was weird because he was kind of happy Jasper was coming along tonight and that it wouldn't be just him and Bella. And that was weird too.

But the weirdest thing of all was that thinking about going to the movies tonight with Jasper… and Bella made his mood a little brighter.

Edward picked up his pace a little. He hadn't just thought that. He was just a little dehydrated from the run. And that was causing all the strange thoughts running through his head at the moment.

When he got home he headed straight for the shower. He wanted to make sure he looked decent for… Bella. Yes. He needed to look good for Bella. As he stood in the shower it wasn't thoughts of Bella that filled his brain though. He squeezed his eyes shut so tight that he was seeing patterns on the insides of his eyelids. But still the thoughts wouldn't go away.

One more damn thing to make him not normal. He turned off the shower and got out. As good as the day had been in the morning, it was quickly turning to shit. And he didn't want to ruin tonight. He went to his dresser drawer and reached for his bottle. He kept reaching, but he came up empty. It wasn't there. He began to panic.


	4. The Meadow

Edward dropped to his knees and then to his stomach and began rooting under his bed. Nothing. Where the fuck were his pills?

And then suddenly a memory flashed through his head. He'd been sixteen the last time Esme had cleaned out his pill stash. He'd been so angry with her that he couldn't believe she'd attempt it again.

"Esme!" he shouted as he charged down the stairs.

Esme, who sat in the kitchen looked at him, fear evident on her face. "Edward, baby…"

That was all he allowed her to get out. "Where the fuck are they?" he shouted.

This scene was familiar to Esme. Edward had frequently gotten upset over tiny things. She tried to stay calm as she asked, "Where are what?"

"Don't play fucking stupid with me!" Edward shouted charging toward her. He stopped an inch from his mother. "You were in my room!"

He lowered his face so that it was mere centimeters from hers, "Why the hell were you in my room? Why did you fucking touch my fucking things?" he accused through gritted teeth.

"I didn't," Esme answered.

"Liar!" he screamed in her face before backing away. His hands raked roughly through his hair. "Where are they?" he yelled, dumping the trashcan on the floor and kicking through the garbage with his foot.

"What are you looking for?" Esme asked quietly. She was sure she knew, but she hadn't gone into his room. She'd learned her lesson on that before.

Edward didn't answer her. He began opening cupboards and drawers, frantically searching through them. Finally he stopped and looked over at Esme who was sitting perfectly still, watching him with wide eyes.

They stared at each other for a moment before Esme said, "Edward…"

But the sound of her voice set him off again. He was in her face again. "Stay the fuck out of my room," he said in the coldest voice Esme had ever heard. Then he pushed past her and threw everything off the kitchen counter with one swipe of his arm, including a vase of fresh daisies. The vase hit the ground and shattered into a thousand pieces.

Edward turned and stormed out the sliding door, slamming it on his way out. The door hit the frame and bounced back open. And Edward was gone leaving Esme, who fell to her knees with her head in her hands and began sobbing.

"Maybe you should stay home, Jasper," Bella said. She figured it would be awkward for him being the third wheel and all. "Or maybe you could call and see what Charlotte or Maggie are doing tonight," she suggested.

Charlotte and Maggie were two of Jasper's exes and he knew what Bella was doing. She was trying to get rid of her older brother. Little did she know he'd like to try the same thing on her.

"I don't want to contact either of them. They're exes for a reason. And yes, I'm going. Someone has to watch out for you," Jasper lied.

Bella rolled her eyes. "I'm almost 20, Jazz. I don't need you to look out for me."

"Ha, that's what you think. I hear this Edward Cullen is strange and unpredictable." It didn't sit right with him even as he said it.

"Jasper! That's not true. He's a perfectly nice guy. People just don't bother to try and get to know him."

"Which is exactly why I'm going with you, to get to know him. And besides somebody has to be there to pick up the slack in the conversation when you two decide to stare at your feet."

Bella sighed. She realized she wasn't getting ride of Jasper tonight.

"I'm gonna go take a shower," Jasper told her.

"Yeah, yeah," Bella said. She wondered why Jasper was really so intent on going with her. For some reason she didn't buy that he just wanted to look out for her. If that were the case, why was he so opposed to bringing a date? At least it would be a decent ruse. But no other situation made sense in Bella's head.

She watched as he left the room and headed toward the bathroom. And the feeling that something was different about Jasper hit her again. She just couldn't put her finger on what it was.

Bella shrugged and headed to her room to get ready. She didn't have time to think about how weird Jasper was acting right now.

After Edward had stormed out of the house, he'd gotten in his car and driven in blind fury. He didn't realize where he was heading until he was almost there.

He parked his car at the end of the dirt road and got out of the car. He went around to the trunk to grab his flashlight. It was still light now, but even in his rage he had enough foresight to know it would probably be dark when he came back. He wasn't afraid, but he wasn't stupid enough to be in the forest at night without some source of light.

He shoved the flashlight in his back pocket and began his trek into the woods. There was no path, but he didn't need one. He knew exactly where he was going.

After a good twenty-minute kike he finally came to a clearing. The meadow. The only place on the entire planet where he felt some semblance of peace.

Edward had discovered it when he had first been brought to Forks. He'd gone out hoping to get lost in the forest and maybe eaten by a bear or something. Instead, he'd found the meadow.

It was beautiful, all green grass and wildflowers. There was a small brook that flowed just on the outskirts. And it was all his. He'd sit there for hours just staring up at the sky. And it would calm him. When he was here he felt as if the rest of the world didn't exist. He didn't have a past, there was no future, there was only this moment. It was just him and the meadow. There was nothing bad, nobody to hurt him. He was safe here.

Edward sat down in the grass and then laid back, his hands behind his head. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He already felt better, his mind more clear. The haze of anger was subsiding. He knew he was going to have to apologize to Esme. He had acted poorly.

He knew Esme didn't deserve to be treated that way. He was a fuck up. But he'd think about that later. This place had the effect of drugs on him. It mellowed him completely. He laid there with his eyes closed for sometime when suddenly he had a mental image of Jasper.

Edward bolted in to a sitting position. How long had he been out here? He'd been here for a long time and he was certain it was almost six.

He was late for his…. He didn't know what to call it. But at any rate, he was going to be late.

Edward scrambled to his feet and bent down to pick up the flashlight he'd dropped in the grass. He flicked it on and rushed back into the forest in the direction where he'd left his car.

Jasper pulled into the Cullen's driveway. It was a massive house. He'd driven by it a few times, but he'd never been this close to it.

He and Bella got out and head toward the door. He was nervous. He knew why, but he couldn't really justify it. Just as he couldn't justify why he was here in the first place. He shook his head to clear the negative thoughts and rang the doorbell.

He and Bella stood next to each other in silence for several moments before someone answered the door.

It was Mrs. Cullen. Her eyes were red rimmed and puffy. "Can I help you?" she asked looking back and forth between Bella and Jasper.

It was Bella who answered. "We're here to pick up Edward," she said with a smile.

Mrs. Cullen looked at her with surprise in her sad eyes. "I'm sorry. Edward is not home," she told them.

"But we were supposed to got to Seattle," Jasper protested pointlessly as he felt his heart sinking. He knew he'd been looking forward to seeing Edward again. But he hadn't realized how much until there was no possibility of seeing him.

Mrs. Cullen shook her head. "I'm sorry. He's not home," she repeated.

At that moment Edward's sliver Volvo roared into the driveway and lurched to a stop. In a flash Edward was out of the car and jogging up to the porch.

"Hey," he said as he approached Jasper, Bella and his mother. He was relieved to see they were still there. "Sorry I'm late," he said as casually as possible glancing first at Bella and then Jasper. "Can you give me just a few minutes and I'll be out?" His heart was pounding in his throat and he wasn't sure why.

"Sure thing," Jasper said as Bella nodded. "We'll meet you in the car."

Edward nodded and then walked past his mother into the house.

Esme closed the door behind him and stared at him. She was about to say something but Edward spoke first.

"I'm sorry about the way I acted earlier. I was angry, but I didn't handle myself the right way."

It always amazed Esme how calm Edward was when he came back from wherever it was he went. She'd always assumed he was going to Tanya's house when he got that upset. But now she realized that wasn't where he went.

But even still, this was the first time Edward had ever come home and apologized for his actions. And Esme was in shock.

Edward shoved his hands in his pockets and waited awkwardly for his mother to say something.

She didn't. She just stared at him. Edward didn't blame her. He was an awful person and he'd behaved terribly earlier. He felt the black cloud rolling over him again. And not even the impending trip to Seattle could fight it off. He clenched his jaw and his hands balled into fists at his side. He wished he had gotten lost in the woods or eaten by a bear. It would be so much easier than this existence.

Esme stepped toward Edward and wrapped her arms around him. She held him tightly for a minute and then she finally spoke. "Your friends are waiting," she said softly. And then she added, "Go have _fun."_ She put emphasis on the word fun.

Esme squeezed Edward one last time and then released him. "Go," she said. "Be careful.

Edward nodded and then headed toward the front door. When he looked back Esme had tears in her eyes, but she was smiling. Edward gave her a small smile of his own. A real, genuine smile. And Esme must have realized this because her smile grew even wider as she watched Edward head out the door to the waiting car.

Maybe they'd finally reached the point where Edward could begin to heal.

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_A/n: Okay,so if anyone is reading this let me know what you are thinking. I got zero comments on the last chapter. So if I get zero again I'm going to assume nobody is reading and I will not continue to post. _


	5. Driving to Seattle

_A/N: Wow. Sorry it took me so very long to update again. I've been extremely busy._

_Anyway, I hope you guys are still with me. Sorry for such a short chapter, I've got to get back into the swing of things. This is the first thing I've written in months. Hope you enjoy it. _

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As Edward approached the car he realized they'd left him with a choice to make. Did he sit in the back seat with Bella or in the passenger seat next to Jasper? He didn't know and he didn't want to make the wrong decision. He hesitated outside the car.

He'd apparently wavered for too long because finally Jasper rolled down the window and asked, "Are you still coming or did you change your mind?" And then he smiled.

Edward made his decision quickly, opening the door and getting into the passenger seat, cursing himself for acting like the socially awkward jackass he was, but also hoping he'd made the right decision. It was, after all, a three-hour drive to Seattle.

The first few minutes were spent in deafening silence. Then, mercifully, Jasper turned on his ipod. The music was unfamiliar to Edward, but he was thankful to have the silence filled.

"Ugh, Jazz, I hate White Denim," Bella complained.

"That's because you have terrible taste," Jasper replied.

"No, I don't. You're just not normal," Bella told him

"What about you Edward?" Jasper asked ignoring Bella in the back seat. "You like White Denim?"

"Huh?" Edward said feeling like a complete idiot. Jasper had been talking to him, but Edward had been mesmerized by his mouth. He had heard a word Jasper had said.

"White Denim?" Jasper repeated. "The band," he clarified when Edward stared at him in confusion. Which Jasper had to admit was extremely cute.

"Oh. Sorry. I've never heard them before," Edward said quietly.

"See, Jasper, normal people don't even know who White Denim is," Bella teased.

Edward blushed.

Jasper continued to ignore Bella, but he couldn't ignore Edward's reaction to her words. Fuck if Edward blushing wasn't the cutest thing ever. Even more than confused Edward. Jasper mind began to wonder and it was all he could do not to reach out and touch Edward's cheek.

He cleared his throat and looked away. It wouldn't do anyone any good to be caught staring. "So, um… Edward, do you like music."

_Do you like music? What kind of idiotic question was that? _Jasper wanted to kick himself. Of course Edward liked music. Who didn't?

Edward shrugged. "Sure, I guess." Music had never been a huge part of his life, aside from his piano. He figured it probably had something to do with his birth parents. His father had been a struggling musician. Edward had always tried to keep his mind as far from his parents as possible. And if that meant no music, then so be it.

There was another awkward silence between them.

"Music is Jasper's passion," Bella stated. "If you get him started he might not ever shut up," she laughed.

Edward had forgotten Bella was even in the car. He almost wished she wasn't. _Where the fuck had that come from? _"Really?" he said.

Jasper just shrugged. To his surprise, his question had been valid. Edward didn't really like music. The one person on earth.

More silence.

"I play in a band. In New York." Jasper finally said to fill the silence.

"Oh." Edward said, immediately uncomfortable. Even more than music, he tried to avoid musicians.

Bella realized the night was quickly going south. For whatever reason, Edward was not very comfortable with the topic of conversation. "So, we're going to a midnight showing at The Egyptian. We're gonna see _Maniac." _She said changing the subject.

Jasper nodded and glanced at Edward to see his reaction.

"Never heard of it," Edward said.

"It's a horror movie," Bella explained. "It came out in 1980."

"Yeah," Jasper said, "It's so gory it's still banned in England and Germany to this day."

"Oh." It was all Edward could say. Just the thought of blood and gore made him queasy.

"You look like you're going to be sick," Jasper said.

"No. I'm alright."

"You don't like horror movies, Edward?" Bella asked.

"I … I've never really seen one." Edward admitted. That was something he tried to stay clear of as well.

"We don't have to see the movie if you don't want to," Jasper said softly. Everything he said seemed to upset Edward.

"No, it's fine," Edward insisted. He was totally screwing up this night. Esme had said to have fun. But he was finding it hard to just relax.

"Are you sure?" Bella asked. She was afraid after tonight Edward would never want to hang out with her again. And she wanted to hang out with him again.

"Yeah, I'm sure." Edward assured them. He was acting like an ass. They were just trying to show him a good time. Horror movies were something normal people did. And his aversion to them and to musicians was not normal. He desperately wanted to be normal. And if that meant putting on a brave face and facing his fear, then so be it. "I guess I'm just easily scared," he said trying to make a rational excuse for his reaction.

"You can hold my hand if you want," Jasper said before he could stop himself.

Bella and Edward both stared at him as if he had lost his mind.

Jasper began laughing, trying to play it off like a joke. "I was kidding. Geez!" he said turning bright red.

Edward laughed too, a fake laugh, but only to cover his disappointment. Which was strange to be disappointed by the fact that Jasper was only joking. Why did he want so very much to hold Jasper's hand? He wasn't gay. But he did. Badly. He ran his hand through his hair just to keep himself from reaching over and forcing Jasper to hold his hand.

Bella laughed also, but a loud awkward laugh that shut Edward and Jasper up. "Very funny," she said. "But if he's gonna hold anybody's hand its gonna be mine."

And she said it with so much bite in her voice it left Jasper with no doubt she'd figured out his secret.

Bella knew he was gay. She'd finally put her finger on it. Watching Jasper stare at Edward all night and lick his lips every time Edward ran his hand through his hair. And the clincher was when he'd said Edward could hold his hand. He so clearly wasn't joking. It made the whole evening make sense to her. And as soon as she'd figured it out, that Jasper was hot for Edward, she was angry. Angry because Jasper hadn't trusted her enough to tell her his secret. And angry because Jasper knew she like Edward and he had the balls to step on her territory.

Bella met Jasper's eyes in the rearview mirror. His blue eyes were terrified. They were pleading with her not to blow his cover. And of course Bella wouldn't. He was her brother and her best friend. And as furious as she was, she could never do anything to hurt him. So he liked Edward. Who wouldn't? Edward was a god.

And once again, it was up to Bella to salvage the night. "Ha ha guys. You're supposed to laugh." Neither of them did.

"Edward, do you like Mexican?"

Finally, something Edward did like. "Love it," he answered.

"Good because Jazz and I know this killer Mexican place. They have the best burritos."

"Their salsa is to die for," Jasper added, once again meeting Bella's eyes in the rearview, silently thanking her for not outing him and for coming to his rescue once again. "Just the right amount of spicy."

"I love spicy," Edward said.

"Me too," Bella agreed as Jasper nodded.

"I make killer tamales," Edward told them.

"You cook?" Bella asked.

"Well," Edward said, slightly embarrassed, but desperate not to send the night back down the drain, "yeah. When you spend as much time with your mother as I did, you pick up a few things." He laughed. And not a fake laugh this time. A real laugh. And it felt so strange, but also so, so good.

And Bella and Jasper laughed with him and that felt even better. And at that point Edward relaxed completely. He was actually having a good time. It sure as hell beat sitting at home in his room feeling sorry for himself. No. He refused to go there now. He was going to enjoy himself and live in the moment for now. He wasn't going to think about how he might feel tomorrow.

"I wish I could cook," Jasper said. "I have a hard time just boiling water."

"That's true. He does," Bella chimed in.

And Edward laughed again. Oh, how wonderful it felt. He realized he couldn't remember a time in his life when he had felt this way. He couldn't remember the last time he had laughed. For once in his life he actually felt like he belonged somewhere. It had been touch and go for a while, but neither Bella nor Jasper had given up on him.

Bella noticed it was the first time she'd ever seen Edward so relaxed and so happy. It was the first time she'd ever heard him laugh. She watched as he kept glancing at Jasper. Every time he did his smile seemed to grow wider. His smile was gorgeous. But as the drive went on she began to wonder if maybe, possibly, Edward was attracted to Jasper.

The rest of the drive to Seattle was filled with mindless chatter. Edward looked at Jasper and then he looked back over his shoulder at Bella and wished he could always feel this carefree. But he knew that tomorrow the black cloud would be back, probably blacker than ever.

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_A/N: Alright, so there it is. Let me know what you're thinking.  
I'll update as soon as I can. _


	6. The Movie

Jasper had been right. The salsa at the Mexican place was fantastic. Almost as good as Esme's. Not that Edward would ever tell her that.

And now he was sitting in the theater between Bella and Jasper praying the movie wouldn't really be as gory as Jasper had said. He'd had enough blood and guys in his life to last the rest of it.

Jasper sat next to Edward and felt him anxiously bouncing his leg up and down. "You okay," he asked. The movie hadn't even started yet.

Yeah, I'm fi…" he stopped mid sentence when Jasper put his hand on Edward's knee.

Jasper quickly removed his hand and turned bright red. He'd only been trying to stop the leg bouncing. He wished he'd thought that through more thoroughly.

Edward cleared his throat and said, "I'm fine," finishing his sentence. The spot on his where Jasper had touched still burned from the warmth of his hand. Edward's stomach was doing flips and he didn't completely understand why.

As the light dimmed, the flipping got worse and Edward attributed his nervous stomach to the movie they were about to see. As the movie began Bella reached over and took Edward's hand. He didn't object. After all, it was the normal thing to do. If a pretty girl wanted to hold your hand, you let her. You didn't wish it was her brother.

He pushed the thought out of his mind, refusing to even go down that road and tried to concentrate on the movie. Which turned out to be a mistake. Watching the horror unfold on the screen, Edward began to sweat profusely and his breathing became labored.

"Edward, are you okay?" Bella whispered.

Edward nodded trying to calm himself down. It was only movie. It wasn't real life. He kept repeating that to himself.

But the next scene was too much. He tried to close his eyes so that he wouldn't see it, but they wouldn't close. And he saw in slow motion as a man's head was blown to pieces. It was all too real for Edward.

He screamed, stood up and ran from the theater with Bella and Jasper close behind. Edward had to get away. He ran outside and continued running down the street. The cool air did little to calm him.

"Edward!" Jasper called out still giving chase. Damn, Edward was fast.

Bella was still following but she was having trouble keeping up.

Edward rounded a corner and then came to an abrupt stop. He leaned against the building for a minute and then collapsed to his knees.

Jasper came around the corner to see Edward folded in on himself emptying the contents of his stomach onto the ground. Jasper kneeled next to Edward and began to rub his back.

"It's alright, Edward," Jasper said soothingly. He'd never imagined anyone having such a violent reaction to a movie and immediately felt bad for taking Edward to see it. "I'm sorry," Jasper apologized softly. "You're okay. It's only a movie," he said still rubbing circles on Edward's back as Bella approached.

"Is he okay?" she asked.

Jasper nodded. Edward's breathing was slowing and he was done heaving. He was still crunched over, not looking up, but Jasper was sure he'd be okay.

And then Edward looked up and said "Take me home." They'd done it on purpose. Somehow Jasper and Bella knew. This was their idea of a joke. Why would they want to do this to him? Why would they want to hurt him? He just wanted to go home and take something to make him numb. The pain was too much.

That fucking movie. Did they even realize just what they'd done to him? He began taking deep breaths as the anger set in. Anger was better than pain.

Jasper watched the change in Edward. He'd set his jaw and demanded they take him home. There was fury in his eyes and he was breathing heavily as his nostrils flared. He was pissed. Pissed at them, Jasper realized. Probably because of the movie.

And all he could do was nod. This was the strangest night of Jasper's life. The three of them walked in silence to the car.

Edward climbed into the backseat. And Bella seemed to know that meant she was riding shotgun.

"I'm sorry," Jasper said.

Edward didn't answer. He just stared out the window. It was too fucking late for apologies now. Maybe next time they'd think twice before messing with someone as mental as he was. He should have known this night would end badly. Even if this wasn't a joke, Edward was a fuck up. He was great at ruining things and making people's lives miserable.

It didn't matter anyway. After tonight the three them wouldn't have to bother with each other anymore. Bella and Jasper could run and tell all of Forks about their night with that freak Edward Cullen. He was sure they would.

Fuck! He had thought the night was going well. Until that stupid fucking movie. He'd screamed like a fucking girl. It was all fucking false security. They were masterful. He probably should have called a cab to take him home. He was sure Bella and Jasper were dying to discuss what a fucking weirdo he was. Well, fuck them.

But how could they possibly know his secret. Nobody knew.

Edward squeezed his eyes shut wishing it weren't so damn quiet. Jasper hadn't bother with the ipod and nobody was talking.

Then tension in the car was so thick it was stifling. The three hour car ride felt like thirty, but finally, at last they pulled into Edward's driveway.

Bella had somehow fallen asleep. Jasper turned to say something to Edward, but he was out of the car and slamming the door before he'd had the chance.

The door startled Bella awake and she and Jasper watched as Edward stalked to his door.

Jasper put the car in reverse and slowly backed out of the drive. Neither he nor Bella knew what to say.

"That was awful," Bella said quietly.

"Yeah," Jasper agreed.

"Why do you think he was so angry?"  
"You got that vibe too?"

"Yeah," Bella said.

"I don't know." And he didn't. But he wanted to know. He'd spent the whole ride from Seattle trying to think of something to say. Trying to come up with something to comfort Edward. But Jasper didn't know what was wrong or why Edward reacted the way he did. But Jasper wanted to make it better.

As Jasper turned the car into their driveway Bella say, "Why didn't you tell me you were gay?"

Jasper gripped the steering wheel tight for a second and then let go. He'd forgotten all about that part of the night.

"Jazz, I'm waiting," Bella pushed when he didn't answer.

Jasper took a deep breath and then exhaled "I was afraid you'd hate me."

"How could I hate you? You're my best friend," Bella was offended.

"Look, I didn't know where you stood on the topic. This is a small town. People aren't always very tolerant of unfamiliar things." As he said it he thought about Edward and what the town of Forks had done to him. "And I've already lost my mother," Jasper continued, "I… I just didn't want to lose you too."

"Oh, Jazzy," Bella put her arms around her brother, "I'm always gonna love you, no matter what. Being gay doesn't change the way I feel about you."

"I'm glad. I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but Bella, promise me you won't tell anyone."

"I promise," she said.

And Jasper knew he could trust her.

Edward wasn't surprised to see Esme and Carlisle asleep in the den. Their attempt to wait up for him. He didn't blame them for being asleep. It was after 4 in the morning.

He quietly crept up the stairs so as not to wake them. In his room he opened the drawer to his nightstand and then remembered the scene from yesterday. His pills were gone.

Edward squeezed his eyes shut. He needed relief from the things he was feeling. That stupid movie had made him think too much about details from the past. Without the pills he only had one option. It wasn't something he wanted to do, but it was something he needed to do.

He went to the bathroom and began rummaging through the drawers, hoping it was still there. He hoped Carlisle and Esme hadn't gone through his things when he'd been gone.

Finally he found it. A straight edged razor. Edward turned the lock on the door and sat down on the floor.

He shut his eyes tight as he pressed the razor into his skin. Lightly at first and then he added more pressure. He felt the skin split and made a fist so the blow flow would increase. He sat very still as the blood ran down his arm. He concentrated on the pain and it felt wonderful. The release was immediate.

Scars be damned, Edward knew he'd be doing this again. The physical pain was so much better than the emotional and mental pain he'd been going through. And it was a hell of a lot quicker than the pills.

He'd never liked doing this before because it was a physical reminder that he wasn't normal. But what the fuck did that matter. He wasn't normal. And as he'd proved tonight, he'd never have a normal friendship, so who the fuck cared.

He sat for awhile longer, reveling in the pain, before cleaning up and sneaking back to his room.

Edward crawled into bed and fell into a restless sleep.

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_A/N: Reviews appreciated, contrustive criticism welcome. _


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